I wrote this a couple of months ago, but I hesitated to make it public. I’m unsure if I still agree with myself on certain points, but I thought it would be an interesting read to share.
There are some people you just click with; not necessarily right away, but after a while as you get to know them. The conversation isn’t hindered by unspoken social rules or fear of rejection, and when it does end, the silence isn’t awkward, because both parts are comfortable in each other’s company. Love at first sight, on the other hand, is imaginary. Nothing but a simple romantic thought for naive dreamers, so don’t count on it.
There was a period during the beginning of my teenage years (I speak as if I was a middle-aged woman) when I felt rather alone. I don’t like to say that I was lonely, because I think there is a difference between being alone and being lonely. I had my group of friends whom I cared about, and I’m sure they cared about me as well. However, I felt on several occasions that I didn’t quite belong. I’m sure most of you can relate to this feeling that I’m trying to describe: Feeling alone even though you’re in the middle of a crowd. That constant feeling of being the odd one out. But never quite lonely.
I recently found an old entry in my journal from when I was around ten where I mentioned feeling insignificant. (My age of epiphany: When I came to the conclusion that life ends with death and that there is no reincarnation, because “babies can’t be put back in the womb”.) A couple of years went by, and there was another entry by a 14-year-old who was utterly alone, full of doubt.
So it comes in waves.
However, I somehow have always managed to pull myself out of the gutter. There hasn’t ever been a specific issue that triggered this feeling – that I can recall.
From December last year through February this year were the lousiest months I can remember. If I know someone is having a hard time, I feel obligated as a fellow human being to do something to help or relieve them of some of their struggle. It was therefore very difficult to admit or realise that I was the one in need of some support. Part of having a meaningful life is to be happy, in my opinion, so when I was feeling this alone and unhappy, I felt ungrateful and guilty for not appreciating everything that I was so lucky to have: A home, a family, friends and free education, amongst many things. There was a sliver of shame.
It’s difficult to help yourself, to convince yourself that your thoughts are bad for you. They form a spiral with absolutely no meaning, no purpose, only slow deterioration towards self-destruction.
I don’t remember how March and April went, but my thoughts became much friendlier.
It is only I who can stand responsible for making myself feel alone, because I don’t dare to trust anyone with my struggles. It’s no one else’s fault, but any attempt at bonding with a person whom I don’t click with (think grinding gears) works against my instincts, which means that chemistry is everything.
Good company is crucial to keep your mind healthy. I would try to make sure that I get plenty in the future.